4/4/12

Here I sit, on the edge of a wall staring at a fountain in the middle of campus. It’s 9:47 pm and I should be doing homework, but I can’t. Today is a special day to me, and many more like me. It’s a day that nobody can take from us. Sitting on this wall I realize, once again, how alone I am. The memories and feelings start to flow out from the cracks they have slid into, and back into plain sight. I think it was this time last year that I learned not to cry at death, but to let my anger overrun it. You can’t cry or show sorrowful emotion if you’re waiting for an opportunity to “make things right”. Never before in my life have I felt the emotions run through my veins, and God willing, I never will again. I don’t remember the exact time, or even what our mission was, all I know is we weren’t at our base when we finally heard the news. Not too long after my convoy drove past the part in our city a VBIED detonated in an attack against my brothers, and if I dare say it, friends. We were used to just barely missing attacks and at first I don’t think it hit me, but when the finally news reached us, and we headed towards home, I wanted nothing more than to kill anyone in my way. I knew hat I had a “switch” that I could control my urges with during the deployment, but in this instance it wouldn’t turn off. I couldn’t stop wishing I could hurt “them” like they hurt “us”. I know it’s not the Christian thing to think or even admit, but it’s true. As we were controlling the ECP of our base in order to give our other brothers a break, due to the situation, I remember hoping another attack would happen. I wanted to be the “hero”. It wasn’t until after everything calmed down and went back to normal that I realized I needed to change my thinking. Through lots of prayer and wrestling with myself and God I finally found my balance and my “switch” started working again. But as I reflect on what today means to me and the significance it plays in my life, I can’t help but mourn and even let’s some of that resentment back out. I want to cry, but there are no tears, I want to yell, but have no words…but those 3 KIA and 5 WIA will never be forgotten by me or any of their other brothers and sister. 4/4/12 OEF, A Day That Will Live In Infamy.

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